Please forgive me dear reader for this will be somewhat of a rant!! I have zero tolerance for strangers parenting advice. Why is it that people who have never met you or your children feel like it is their place to provide advice, offer comment or indeed pass judgement on the way I parent or my children?
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It baffles me, but as I started to have a moan about this yesterday on instagram I started to receive lots of DMs saying that others feel the same way. So who are these random strangers, for whom I have zero tolerance? I find mostly they are elder women who have clearly forgotten what it is like to have small children and have zero tolerance for any noise. I have four kids – this is the definition of noise. Even when they are all just happily talking and laughing I am aware that they are loud and so I don’t take them to fancy places, but if I want to buy them lunch in the local cafe I should be able to without an old woman commenting very loudly that ‘if I couldn’t control them I shouldn’t have had them’.
Now don’t think, at this point, that I am a mum who thinks that their little darlings can do no wrong. That could not be farther from the truth. My kids can be extremely challenging and they drive me up the wall. I don’t ignore their behaviour though and I try very hard to ensure that they are polite and know how to behave in public. Lets face it thought children do sometimes forget themselves and behave badly. In this instance they were genuinely just chattering and laughing. They were being loud and I was telling them to quieten down, but my efforts were not good enough for her. That was merely one incident amongst a host of strangers telling me things like: ‘you should just ignore that behaviour’ ‘ you shouldn’t just ignore that behaviour’. I was even once called a slut by an old lady because I bent over to help my then 2 year old do a wee into a drain and my pants accidentally show. She said I was disgusting and should be ashamed of myself for letting him wee there….. It wasn’t ideal, but what was I supposed to do – just allow him to wet himself when he was crying that he needed a wee. What is that about? I spend alot of time explaining to the children that we don’t call people names and don’t shout or be rude to others only to have another adult do just that to me. What kind of example and message does this send to children?
OTHER PARENTS
I have also found that there are other random stranger parents who also feel like it is ok to tell you what to do when they don’t know you.  They are the ones that I have the least love for and make my blood boil! This must of course be because their children are entirely perfect and only request kale for snacks, only ever drink water and spend their weekends working through maths problems voluntarily…. Maybe this is the case, but I often strongly suspect that those who make the most noise about their perfection and try to make other mums feel less than are in fact not so perfect themselves. Maybe it is an insecurity thing, but whatever it is I have zero tolerance for it and know exactly where they can stick their kale….
Don’t these random stranger realise that what they say may hurt people? It can be really hard being a parent and the last thing you need when you child is being a little shit and you are doing the best you can when you feel embarrassed and stressed is a stranger commenting on their behaviour. Now I am not talking about times where perhaps my child did something that I didn’t see and another parent told me. That is embarrassing, but I have 4 kids and so I can’t always see everything and I appreciate knowing if someone is doing something stupid that I haven’t noticed. I am talking about the judgy comments the ones that say I could do this better than you…. You know the ones that make a bad parenting day worse and make you just want to go home….
I even feel this way about positive comments as although it is nice to be told you are doing a good job it just seems so random when a stranger tells me that they children are so polite as I just want to scream ‘ not they are not!! I have just spent two hours trying to get them to put on their shoes’ . My kids know how to turn on the charm when they feel it is necessary so the worst face is saved just for me. They can be polite, they are loving, they are funny and they do look like little angels and by the way yes random stranger I do have my hands full! They can also be rude, get cross and be unpleasant to be around and this is the reality I am sure for most parents unless you are very very lucky. The thing is if you are a stranger you only see a second snapshot so commenting is pointless because you don’t know what came before or what will come after.
It is like believing what you see on instagram. Who takes a picture of their child snatching a toy from another child or walking up the slide when all other children are waiting to come down? No one really. We take pictures of the good times because we want to remember and capture that positive feeling. So random strangers this is why I have zero tolerance for your comments, but don’t worry I will just smile and nod unless you are spiteful like cafe woman who got a large piece of my mind!
BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER
I am so far from a perfect parent and I get it wrong all the time, but I really do try. I have tolerance for other people’s children, If a child pushes one of mine I don’t tell the parents that they should do something about it. I understand that this is something that toddlers sometimes do and I am sure the parent will deal with it. If they don’t we simply move over in the soft play or playground. I of course see people parenting their children and sometimes have judgy thoughts myself. I am only human after all and we all judge whether we mean to or not, but I have the common courtesy to keep my judgy comments to myself. Perhaps I am just being very English about the whole thing and others would also feel it is ok to pass comment on other people’s parenting ability or lack thereof…. All I am saying is that we should think about the impact of our words and remember before we judge that we don’t know what went before. What do you think?
People SHOULD just mind their own…..
#dreamteam
Well SAID, there are some really strange people On the internet X #DREAMTeam
Thanks. They do say there is nothing as strange as folk! Thanks for being on the #DreamTeam
The kale!! LOL Kirsty, you do have a way with words. It can be so frustrating when other parents throw Negative commenTs around. I definitely think they dont think before speaking. I’ll tell you about a tights incident later. Thanks for being a brilliant #dreamteam host xx
Can’t wait to hear about the tights incident! Thanks for being so understanding about my IT issues and general rubbishness this week #DreamTeam
It’s a tough one, but people will always pass judgement and many will vocalise it. Then there are situations such as this – how to comment without passing judgment or giving unsolicited advice – especially when praise can be just as irritating.
As hard as it is, I try to listen, consider whether I could have done something differently and ignore the comments that serve no purpose. I get it from my ex regularly about how I parent OUR kid – the tough bit being she considers our daughter HER kid.
I have opinions about her parenting – but it’s not worth raising most of them, I’d only be stooping and causing unnecessary friction.
The short answer is, I’m afraid, it won’ t change, not any time soon. Just as men being seen as equal parents by the law (especially after divorce) is a long way off.
Interesting thoughts and it sounds like a tough situation. Thanks for being on the #DreamTeam
I was always taught by my parents that unless I had constructive, useful things to say than I just needed to keep it to myself. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but it doesn’t mean you have to share them out loud to everyone you meet. I agree Kirsty, these jerks who have to correct you on parenting are the ones most likely failing at it themselves. I’m glad you have a zero tolerance policy for these noisemakers! #DreamTeam
Your parents were right!! It is hard to teach my kids the message when they see adults just saying whatever they want 😉 #DreamTeam
I think people with no children can be really judgemental, I think before you have kids you imagine you will be the mum feeding your child kale, and then oh shit they don’t eat that in fact they demand you take anything healthy off their dinner plates! I agree comments can be kept to yourself, I don’t need to be judged BECAUSE I am already judging myself harder than anyone else possibly could anyway! No One is the perfect mum, or dad, and no child is perfect either, ok maybe sometimes when I watch hem sleep I think they are perfect, but I know they are not. I just posted my rant about adult bullies, so I know sometimes we need a good rant, good on you! #DreamTeam
You are so right. I am sometimes so busy judging me (on the bad parenting days) that I just don’t have time for any one else’s opinions/ They do look perfect when they sleep. I will be checking out your post. Thanks for being with us on the #DreamTeam
ABSOLUTELY, I COULDN’T AGREE MORE. MY DAUGHTER STARTED SCHOOL IN SEPTEMBER AND FOR THE FIRST THREE DAYS REFUSED POINT BLANK TO GO INTO THE BUILDING. i WAS STANDING OUTSIDE THE MAIN DOORS PLEADING AND TRYING TO TALK HER INTO GOING IN WITH ME AS SHE BAWLED CRYING. hOWEVER SEVERAL MOTHERS WALKING PAST WITH THEIR LITTLE ONES DECIDED TO COME OVER AND OFFER THEIR PEARLS OF WISDOM – AS IF THEIR WORDS WERE GOING TO BE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANYTHING I HAD TO SAY TO HER. IT DROVE ME CRAZY AND ONLY MADE A VERY STRESSFUL SITUATION EVEN WORSE. SO YES, ADVICE AND INTERVENTION IS NOT ALWAYS NECESSARY!! #DREAMTEAM
That definitely sounds so annoying. I am sure that they thought they were being helpful or supportive, but sometimes you just need to be left to get on with it. Don’t you? Thanks for joining us on the #DreamTeam
‘You have your hands full’ is one that grates on me! I can relate to this post, as a fellow mum of four who’s often looking HARASSED
Oh that one really gets me agitated!! I am never sure what they want me to say! High five to another mum of four!! Thanks for joining us on the #DreamTeam
Sometimes it’s the adults that make a huge fuss and the kids are just going about doing what they do best – being kids. everyone parent differently but that doesn’t mean that the one is doing a better job than the other. do you and what is best for your kids and screw what other people think #dreamteam
Thanks noleen. Great to have you with us on the #DreamTeam
I completely agree with this. Everyone seems to have an opinion these days! #dreamteam
Thanks for joining us on the #DreamTeam
Totally agree! People are so quick to judge & have their say – however unhelpful it is! #DreamTeaM
Indeed – people can be a pest 😉 Thanks for joining the #DreamTeam
Brilliant post. Back when I had 3 under 3 older people used to GET up and move away from us in cafes and the like. Not wait and see how they’d behave just judge . #DreamTeam
Oh that happens to us all the time. I can feel the room tense up as soon as we arrive! #DreamTeam
People without kids and empty nesters are the very worst — as if their ‘tales of woe’ top all. Well Kirsty, they deserve an earful! Love the kale comment 🙂 and could easily live my remaining days without the judgypants police! xoxoxo #dreamteam
I definitely find the older ladies the worst and they probably had kids themselves. I know what they can do with their judgypants! Thanks for being on the #DreamTeam